September Meditations

“I felt trapped and fabricated in the fifties living up to other people's expectations.”
Rosemary Clooney

Let me start out by saying that I wrote the September journal, as I normally do, at the start of this month. And, as it typically does, it went through the same process. So why, you may be wondering is it September 17th and the September journal is just making its way to the web… I have a simple response, my computer crashed and I was out on tour.
Am I frustrated? Yes, and mainly because I have set this expectation for myself. I expect that I will get my writing done in time, especially since I have previously. And, as I thought about this, I realized that not only do I expect myself to be timely, but I expect much, much more of myself and often of the people who surround me.
So, here is the new mid-September Journal…and oh boy do I have a lot to tell you…
You know that what I do puts me in the spotlight, puts me in a place where the expectations are high. First, I expect that I will have a great show every night; that my voice will be strong, my performance enthusiastic, and my energy boundless. I expect that I will look great and, in turn, be able to entertain the audience to the best of my ability. And, I suppose that the audience expects all of this too; why wouldn’t they? They paid for the ticket; they should get a great show. These expectations d0 weigh on me but I feel them to be necessary and part of my job description…
But, where all of this pondering of expectations has brought me is not on-stage, rather off. The more and more I find myself in the public eye, the more I find myself setting higher expectations for myself, and thinking about my reputation. I have lived a fairly decent life…I mean we all make our mistakes and we all live with them. But, all in all, I have remained true to the reputation I have built. And, I have found the ability to forgive myself when I haven’t… which leads me to this: Why do people who are in the public eye expect more of themselves than those who are not? And, why does society put greater expectations on “famous” people than they put on themselves, on their friends and family? And, why do I expect more of myself now then I did before?
Because people are watching. But, don’t you know this…people are always watching. And why does that matter? I can only assume it matters because I am still holding some slight insecurity inside of me. An insecurity that sometimes sets an expectation of perfection, an insecurity that makes me worry about my actions. Afterall, don’t we always do exactly what we want to do and then only question our actions once under the microscope of another’s eyes?
Of course my reputation is important and of course I will continue to set professional expectations for myself…but when it comes to the expectations I set for me as an imperfect human, I hopefully will eventually come to only expect from myself that which I truly want…and that is what all of this is about…don’t create expectations for yourself that you don’t want…don’t settle into a fabricated life because of other’s expectations and don’t, please don’t expect more from someone else that you yourself can give…we all have our flaws, some are just more public than others…